I felt like I was broken after having Princess. It took us three days to get pregnant with Princess (honestly!) I stopped the birth control on the 22 of Dec and started my period that night and on 25 (Christmas) my period stopped (hmm weird). First week of that Jan my Hubs told me he thought I was and guess what I was. Shocked it happened so fast after going through a year full of procedures including 5 biopsies, 4 colposcopes, Cryothareapy, and a LEEP that year and once I had a clear test (fianlly) my doctor said that if we wanted kids we needed to get on it so we did and poof we had Lily.
So naturally this time around I figured 'Hey! It didn't take us that long to get pregnant with Princess, it would happen that fast again!' It didn't happen. As the months past I got more and more depressed. 'What if we waited too long?' 'What if something happened when the IUD implanted and ruined my chances?' More and more what if's just kept coming at me and coming at me. I felt like I was failing my husband for not giving him another baby. Failing my daughter for not giving her a sibling to play with. I didn't want her to grow up alone like I did. It was so lonely. Failing God for not taking advantage of that window after Princess was born to try for more (part of the waiting too long 'what if.') Failing myself for not being able to carry out what I wanted so so much. We didn't tell anyone we were TTC and I was hard to say anything to our families whenever they always ask when we were going to have more. It even got to the point I would come home crying if they asked. My nieces would ask when I would get pregnant again because Bayly (cousin) was pregnant and we're always pregnant together. I was hard to not cry about friends being pregnant no matter how happy I was for them. I was an emotional wrek.
Finally my husband got to the point he he couldn't take my moods and mentioned with it being Christmas again we should just wait a couple months and put TTC on hold to avoid Princess's birthday and Christmas and all the other holidays around then; as well as to take a breather and get it all off our minds. So we didn't really try during December and January didn't take any precautions but weren't trying at all. I guess that was the key. Because I found out the same day we found out we were pregnant with Princess, my birthday (Happy Birthday me!) We put the romance back into our relationship. Spent more time just the two of us. Enjoyed dates at home (with the free food our families would give us when they had way too much from the holidays) with Princess in bed we would pull out the candles and paper plates (so cheesy) but whatever it was it worked. I didn't chart or use ovulation kits, we didn't even baby dance much but it happened. Someone told me as a joke that December must be my fertile month and that since we've been through the rest of the months already. It was what worked for us (I think) but it won'y work for everyone sadly. No matter how much I want it to.
With some of our friends who are TTC I always avoid the topic of pregnancy and just talk about normal everyday topics. A couple they talk to us about everything they have to go through so I don't feel like I'm stepping on toes if I ask how they're TTC journey is going and what Dr's say to them. Yes I'm over the moon about it but I also feel so guilty. I know someone who tried for 7 years before they got pregnant with their first and they got pregnant with their second 4 years after that.
After this pregnancy we won't be going onto birth control, if we get pregnant 'yay!' if not we will know that it has no factor in that result.
Baby dust to all who need it!!
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